When I applied to be an RA, I knew it was not going to be easy, but I really hoped it would be. I hoped it would be decorating and making pancakes and staff bonding and chit-chatting with residents. This was not the first time I’ve been wrong. The beginning was almost like that, until the week residents moved in and it registered how difficult this year was going to be. I did not anticipate the emotional strain I would feel from worrying about 54 freshmen. I did not realize I would feel personally responsible for anything bad that happened on my floor. But, I guess that is just something you learn on the job. There were several moments that were joyous, rewarding, and memorable, but there were also many that were uncomfortable, uncharted, and nerve racking. This job made my days much less predictable and at first I was not strong enough to protect my time and mental capacity, actually I probably still would not be strong though but I am working on it. I eventually found support in my staff and it helped me understand my own limitations and to accept them. I still have trouble accepting this sometimes, but I make myself remember that I am a better person, leader, mentor, coworker, and friend when I do.
My engineering life this year was not much of a life I would say. I took my first engineering class, statics, and was met with a million and a half problems that I did not have the brain capacity to solve. I really tried– I promise. I always felt like I was missing something and I could not find it for the life of me. There was a lot of crying and every other day was a battle of believing I was incompetent. I hate feeling that way, I think this could be my most hated emotion, and experiencing it several times a week was too much to handle. I eventually finished statics with a below average grade, but at least I was done. I thought things would be different in mechanics, it was in the civil department and would be better– it had to be. Well, I am not sure that it was. I sat in lecture scribbling any scrap of information my professor could give me but when I tried to do my homework I spent about 30 hours struggling, reworking, and asking everyone for help. I am a lot of things, but I am not above asking for help. There was something different in this class though, the office hours started working and there were moments where I truly understood what was happening. Finally, I was not lost every minute of class. I proved this to myself on my mechanics final when I got an 80% that made me cry tears of joy. I couldn’t believe my abilities could equal that much. I was finally average with my class, I was even a little bit above. Where I was again, getting the motivation I needed to keep trying. I did not want to give up and I did not plan to any time soon. Unfortunately, this was the same week Covid-19 hit hard and I would not see campus again for a month.
Covid-19 changed just about every plan I had. I had to resign from my RA job, move back home, and attempt to learn on Zoom. To make this situation even more challenging, my Honors study abroad to the Netherlands was canceled. My plans of spending the summer learning about museums and libraries with one of my closest friends, Taylor, fell apart so quickly. Everything was changing fast, and I could not find any stability in my classes either. I spent 15-20 hours in office hours for Matlab each week during Spring. I attended class and studied from 8am-12am every weekday; one of the worst parts is that I had to do this just to get average in my classes. I know people that would be at the top of their class with the amount of effort I dedicated, but I am not them. I struggled grasping the complex concepts and sometimes I was not handling the basics. To add to these extremely long hours, I also applied to my civil engineering in Spring. I did not know what I would do if I was not accepted: try again, switch majors, change schools? Every feeling of being an imposter came flooding back as I filled out the application, but also strengthened my passion for the field. I could imagine myself designing structures and being some lead engineer on a massive skyscraper or the construction engineer coordinating the roadways, bridges, and interchanges. I sent off my application with every hope and wish I could. As I sat in LAX waiting to fly to Seattle and officially move-out of my dorm for who knows how long, I got the email. Accepted. I’ve never screenshotted something so fast in my life. Instant tears and disbelief. After years of not knowing if I was good enough and comparing myself to anyone and everyone, the civil department saw my potential and hard work. This immense victory helped me power through my 16 hour homework days and reminded me of the classes I am going to take next year in my new major. I am so excited to finally start learning the skills I will need in my career and to discover what I will do with my degree.
Even though I did not spend my summer in the Netherlands, perhaps I was somewhere better. This better place: Covina, Ca surveying a well used parking lot. I would not say this parking lot was more beautiful than Amsterdam would’ve been, but I did have fun learning how total stations work from an amazing teacher. After we spent the day in the extremely hot sun, I got to import our data points into AutoCad and make a map. Like a real map, it was insane. For practice, I also hand calculated our elevation lines which took longer than expected. But in the end, I made the most beautiful work of art in existence (in my opinion). I can’t wait until next quarter when I get to test out my new survey skills in class.
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